I love this Doctor

Again, not sure who the author is...arrived in the email. For those who are like me...THESE ARE NOT FATS, JUST RELAXED MUSCLES. Read on...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer ; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies done by Americans.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Noah and the Ark

Received this via email and unable to attribute this to the author:

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Malaysia , and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.

Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.

First I need to have a BUMIPUTRA PARTNER who is linked to UMNO then I needed a building permit from DBKL and also have to pay under counter money To get the permit.

Then I've been arguing with the BOMBA inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors complained to The Malay Mail of the height of the ark I was going to build and the next day it was in the headlines claiming that I've violated the neighborhood building by-laws that my Ark is exceeding the height limitations. I appealed to the magistrate and it was approved.

The Opposition took advantage of the situation and said I was a government crony and did nasty things with my face on the Internet. I don’t know how they superimposed my face on a naked body with naked MP’s and portrayed it on the U TUBE. Oh Lord you are the all knowing and I did not take the photos of the MP.

Then there was a another stop work order even before I could start work. The Badan Cegah Rasuah arrested me for pornography.

I talked to a lawyer who looks like Ambitah Bachan talk like him Acts like him but is not him ...said he knows the Chief Justice and the Prime Minister the Apa ..nama ... and can clear my name but i have to buy them tickets to Austrilia.

After clearing my name ...I had to again go to the DBKL Appeal Board for a decision to allow me to build the Ark.

Then government after approving the plans said I must use only SIRIM approved goods and must buy from their list of CLASS F contractors which are 15 times more expensive than the china-man hardware shop.

Then the TNB and JPJ demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. SUKHAM and the JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA said There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the orang utan.

I tried to convince SUKHAM and JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA that I needed the wood to save the orang hutan – but they said no go.

When I started gathering the animals, JAKIM and an Animal rights group sued me. JAKIM said I cannot put the chickens and the pigs next to each other as it WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED HALAL and The animal group insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then JABATAN KERJA RAYA AND JABATAN KAJIAN dan GALIAN ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an Environmental Impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many bumiputra contractors I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

JABATAN IMMIGRASI and RELA are checking the status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.

As I started to CLEAR THE AREA TO BUILD THE ARK 6 gangsters came and demanded for protection money. And said they will control the area for selling of drugs and prostitution to my workers.

When I complained to the POLIS.... the next day the IGP of POLIS sent an ASP who came in full uniform unfortunately he also happens to be one from the six gangsters who were demanding protection money and doubled my protection fee.

Then there was a by-election and I was forced to be an UMNO member to get my permits approved and made to pay a donation by the Barisan Candidate in the so called spirit of MUHIBBAH Other wise he will make my life difficult when I did not, as I was already your member …

Every department I turn to is asking what they call “Kopi Wang”.

I calculated that if I had to pay all the so called “Kopi wang” and give the donation the cost to build the ARK will be 20 times more higher… I refused to give them the Kopi Wang as I am faithfull to you Oh Lord.

Then Some top level politicians say we very disappointed with me for not giving donations and called me a murtad but i told them my name is Noah not murtad they got very angry and said they have connections.

Suddenly I am a suspect behind the murder of the Mongolian lady because the place where she was murdered happens to be on the land where I am going to make the Ark and was arrested.

To make matters worse, the Jabatan HASIL seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. I have just been released from ISA.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.

'The Malaysian Government beat me to it!'